True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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