Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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