so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
