I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
