Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
My penis needs a shock collar
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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