Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
