I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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