at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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