I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
