so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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