i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
