Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
