Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
