I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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