I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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