tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
please come you make the beer taste better
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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