it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
When did angry sex become our thing?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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