The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
