I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
