drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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