remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
