You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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