Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
