now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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