So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
