Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
