The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
