I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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