I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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