end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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