i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I think I sprained my soul last night
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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