Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
