are you so shy because you have an std?
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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