mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize
