Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
