you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
