If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Found your dick twin last night
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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