you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
