Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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