I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
