So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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