I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
