When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
