the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
