My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
