i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Is it penis luge time yet?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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