I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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