if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
