You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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