You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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