Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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